


I'll come home to you

by SunflowerEnthusiast



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: ChikaIta Week 2020, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, I tagged for hallucinations but they're not very vivid or intense, Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25765525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunflowerEnthusiast/pseuds/SunflowerEnthusiast
Summary: A decade after Chikage leaves MANKAI Company, he finds himself in front of his former roommate's door once again.
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	I'll come home to you

**Author's Note:**

> This is about Chikage cutting ties with the Organization and finding his way back "home," but it's not quite long enough to delve into all the details and issues I'd assume he'd have with doing something like that, so... yeah
> 
> Warnings: Talking about loneliness, Chikage is half-hallucinating in the beginning of the fic. There's nothing really graphic, but it might read as slightly disturbing

He can’t see anything.

The world is a splash of colors on a canvas blurring into garish and mute streaks alike, speeding past his vision before it can even focus on any one object. His muddled brain idly wonders if there’s something wrong with his eyes, but somewhere deep down where he’s still “conscious,” he knows that his vision is still as perfect as it was on the day he was born. His eyes haven’t sustained any injuries or strain recently, either.

Then, perhaps, it all leads back to his muddled brain and how lethargic his body parts feel. But, no. Despite how it’s almost as if he can’t feel his limbs, he knows that his legs are taking sure strides, guiding him in a definite direction. He’s sure that to any passerby he looks like a completely normal person—and yet, on the inside, he feels like a man possessed.

… Perhaps he really is possessed. Possessed by the ghost of the man who used to spend every day at his side years ago.

_Ah… but which ghost am I thinking about?_

He’ll just give himself a headache at this rate.

It’s odd. It feels like time is crawling yet passing in the blink of an eye. And, in his next slow, agonizing blink, he arrives.

The door before him is normal, the kind you could find in any apartment building. The buzzer is sitting on the wall, beckoning for him to press it. But he can’t, no. In his mind, the door is a looming gate to the underworld, and the buzzer a grinning ferryman waiting to take him across. And, on the other side, maybe, just maybe—

His hand reaches out on its own and presses the buzzer. The images fade, leaving behind it the every day scenery of this apartment building. A normal door, a normal buzzer. Normal floor, normal walls. Everything is in his head.

He can’t think straight. Why is he doing this? The person on the other side won’t be happy to see him. He’s sure that they’ll just slam the door in his face, and he’ll deserve it because he—

The door opens.

“Hello? Can I help you with—"

The words are stolen out of the air as a pair of familiar fuchsia eyes widen in shock.

_Ah. Ah… Ah…_

The words don’t come out of his mouth, but they dance on his tongue, threatening to spill over. _Ah_ , it’s him. _Ah_ , it’s the ghost that has haunted his waking hours and his vivid dreams. _Ah_ , he hasn’t this face in _years_.

His mind overwrites his vision. The person in front of him fades into a see-through complexion, and fuchsia dims into dull, hollow dusty rose. His chest has been exposed, and there’s merely a void where his heart should be.

_Ah. I want to scream._

He realizes this—but his mouth doesn’t open. He’s at his limit, he knows; he knows that this isn’t real. He knows that none of this is real except for the person standing before him, and he knows that he needs to shake whatever _this_ is off. But he just can’t. It’s been so long, and he’s just—he’s just—

The ghostly apparition before him smiles. The stitches forming his mouth slowly fade back into human skin, as the transparency of his body turns back to normal. His smile is shaky, as if he will break into tears at any moment, but he still smiles. Smiles for his sake.

_Ah. I want to cry._

“Chikage-san.”

_So that’s what my name sounds like. It’s been so long._

“It’s been a long time.”

_It really has. I wonder if I even remember your name anymore._

But he already knows the answer to that. It’s the entire reason why he’s here.

“You look tired.”

_I am. I’m so tired._

“… Um…”

_I wonder if you’ll say the words I’ve been waiting for so long to hear._

“…”

_But I guess I don’t deserve to hear them. I left you and everyone else._

His smile finally breaks into a weak, watery laugh. He shakes his head a little, and then puts his smile back on for him—for _Chikage_ —even as his eyes overflow with tears.

“Welcome home.”

And the opening of his arms is all that Chikage needs.

He collapses onto the slightly smaller man, wrapping his arms around him tight enough to crush his fragile ribcage. But he can’t bring himself to lighten his grip, because all he can think about is that he’s warm, and real, and _alive_ —

And, for the first time in a long time, Chikage breaks down in tears.

_Thank you, Chigasaki. Thank you for accepting me._

* * *

When Chikage next opens his eyes, he finds himself settled on a futon spread out on the floor. The next thing he notices is that a slightly warm hand is running through his hair gently, almost as if it’s trying to soothe him.

Not almost. That probably _is_ what it’s trying to do.

Chikage reaches up and catches the hand. He feels its owner start slightly.

“… Chigasaki.”

Said man leans over from where he’s sitting beside Chikage, peering down into his eyes. His expression is hesitant, and there’s still some redness around his eyes. Chikage can deduce that it hasn’t been long since he’s arrived… or maybe Itaru started crying again. One of the two.

Chikage feels words form on his tongue, things like _I’m sorry_ s and _Please forgive me_ s (even though he doesn’t deserve it) and _I’ll leave now because I don’t want to your ruin your life you have now_ s. But the words push against each other to come out and get clogged in his throat, and soon it feels like his throat will collapse. Maybe Itaru notices that, because his eyes gently crinkle at the corners as a little smile tugs on his lips. He barely looks any different than when Chikage last saw him, but he knows for a fact that that was ten years ago. Maybe Itaru ended up taking after Azuma in the long run.

“It’s okay,” Itaru says, lightly, as his fingers tangle themselves in Chikage’s hair. Affection drips from his words and the warmth in his fingertips, soaking into Chikage’s body and traveling all the way to his heart. He wants to reject it, reminding himself that he doesn’t deserve it, but a light, gentle tap of one Itaru’s slender fingers stops that train of thought right in its tracks. “You don’t have to say anything. And, if you ever do want to say something, I’m not going anywhere, so take your time. I’ll be waiting.”

Chikage wants to cry again. But that would be pathetic, so he changes the subject instead. He supposes old habits die hard, after all. “How did you get me onto this futon? I don’t remember moving.”

Itaru grimaces a bit, but he doesn’t comment on the subject change, instead groaning slightly. “Ugh, yeah, well, you almost crushed me when you passed out, but I somehow managed to crawl out from under you and get a futon. Sorry if I bumped your head anywhere when I was dragging you onto the futon, _which_ , by the way, was really hard on my nonexistent muscles.”

The little pout on Itaru’s face and the blatant annoyance seeping from his voice haven’t changed one bit from a decade ago. Even how unapologetic he sounded when he “apologized” hasn’t changed either. Before Chikage knows it, he’s laughing. Itaru’s pout deepens as he pokes Chikage’s shoulder relentlessly. “Hey, what’s so funny? I made an honest effort, you know.”

The last of the heavy fog finally clears out of Chikage’s mind as he finally comes back to “consciousness.” That’s right, how could he forget. He’s still alive, and so is the man sitting next to him, and this is reality, not some sort of twisted nightmare. The one that possessed his thoughts is not a ghost in the slightest, and is, in fact, a very real and very warm human being. No matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much Chikage hurts him—

If Chikage returns to Itaru’s side, then he’ll always accept him back into his life with no questions, and he’ll match his stride to Chikage’s, letting him taste “normalcy” again.

Chikage sits up, turning to face Itaru, who tilts his head, curious. Chikage moves closer to Itaru, and he leans his forehead on his shoulder. Itaru stiffens for a moment, but he soon relaxes and puts a hand on Chikage’s back, rubbing it in soothing circles. Chikage closes his eyes. 

“… I’ve been alone for a long time.”

“Mm.”

He can remember all the sleepless nights he had when he first left them. He hadn’t realized just how _lonely_ he would be. His warm family filled in all the holes missing in his heart, and when he left them, the old wounds reopened as new ones formed. Once he got used to that warmth, he knew it would be hard to leave it, but he wasn’t ready for how miserable he felt. Up until today, he’s had to live with that aching gap in his chest.

“I was starting to think no one would call my name again.”

“Well, it _is_ your name.”

This name was a gift from his precious family that he can’t see anymore. He treasures it, both as a gift and because his new family calls this name so kindly. He didn’t think he would feel so lonely not hearing anyone call this name anymore. He’s had to go through so many names that he was starting to think this one would be buried under all the others.

“I was afraid I was going to forget about everyone.”

“Someone as smart as you would never forget our colorful family.”

He’s right; there’s no way he could ever forget his family. But the memories had started to blur into each other at some point, and he began to wonder what was real and what was fake. What if the family he left behind was just a figment of his imagination? Logically, he knew that there was no way that was possible, but it didn’t stop the thought from crossing his mind often.

“… I don’t think I can face everyone after I left you guys behind.”

“Is that why you came to me?”

He remembers—about 24 hours ago, on the other side of the world, he finally caved. He’s been in the clear for some time now, but he could never find the courage to go back to his family, feeling as if he didn’t have the right to return because he left them with no notice. But something finally snapped inside of him. The last fragile strings of his self-control fell apart as he looked up the name “Chigasaki Itaru” and tracked him down to this apartment. And, in the blink of an eye, he was on a plane here.

“I… wonder. I don’t know.”

“Hmm.”

While he was trapped in the misty fog of his mind, his feet carried him here to this apartment. He can’t even remember how he paid for his plane ticket or how he got this far. All he knows is that he didn’t want to face everyone else, but he still wanted to see Itaru.

“I wonder why I came to see you…”

“… Who knows? You’re the only one who can understand yourself. Chikage-san.”

Chikage furrows his brow, breaking out of his stupor. He glances out of the corner of his eye at the slight tightening of Itaru’s jaw, and he thinks about the stiffness in his fingers on his back. He doesn’t think that what Itaru said is entirely true. Though he hates to admit it, there are just some people in this world who understand this person named “Chikage” better than he himself does.

So he tests him.

“I don’t know about that. Why do _you_ think I came to you?” Chikage asks. He doesn’t move, even though Itaru seems uncomfortable with the current situation. He doesn’t want to let go of this warmth just yet.

Itaru exhales, the sound tinged with exhaustion. Chikage pities him. He knows that he’s a tiring person to deal with, especially when he gets like this, and yet Itaru still puts up with him. It makes you wonder why Itaru would accept Chikage back into his life so easily. “… I don’t know. Maybe you thought that I’d tell you what you wanted to hear, that it’s okay to go home to everyone and see them. Which, by the way, I _will_ tell you.” Itaru gives Chikage’s head a quick ruffle with his free hand, the gesture exasperated but still filled with affection. Chikage’s chest aches. “Everyone might not be living under the same roof anymore, but I can guarantee that they’re all still waiting for you. You should contact them and at least let them know you’re alright and that you’re around if they want to see you.”

Chikage is very aware that he’s _very_ pathetic in comparison to Itaru right now, and in a vain attempt to rid himself of the feeling, he just scoffs. “I’m not exactly ‘around,’” he points out, recalling that Itaru lives quite far from Tokyo right now.

“Well, yeah, but I’m assuming you’re heading back in that direction soon,” Itaru shoots back with ease, shrugging the shoulder that doesn’t have Chikage leaning on it. Before Chikage even has time to process whether he’s disappointed or not with that response, Itaru tacks on, “… But, well, if you don’t have anywhere to stay, then I don’t have a roommate. And it’d be fine if you wanted to stay here. I guess.”

At the very end, Itaru’s voice trails off to a small mumble, as he loses confidence. His clumsy, awkward kindness sends a rush of nostalgia over Chikage, and somehow, he wants to cry yet again. Funny, he didn’t think he was such an emotional person.

“Haha,” Chikage laughs, voice just as weak as Itaru’s. “I just might take you up on that.”

Something wet drops onto Chikage’s back. Chikage lifts his arms, wrapping them around Itaru—but unlike earlier, he’s careful not to squeeze him too hard. Itaru clutches onto Chikage’s shirt, burying his face into his shoulder. The tears silently falling from his eyes soak into Chikage’s shirt, but he can’t bring himself to care. Besides, his own tears are soaking into Itaru’s shirt, so they’re even.

The words stuck in Chikage’s throat finally free themselves. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“You should be, you asshole.”

Chikage laughs despite the tears, bringing one hand up to gently brush over Itaru’s messy hair. “I probably deserved that one.”

“You did.”

“I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you again.”

“As if I didn’t know that.”

“But I’d be happy if you let me continue to stay by your side. I’m sorry for being so selfish.”

Itaru’s grip on Chikage tightens. “You’re not being selfish,” he grumbles, sniffing through the tears. “If I still want you around even though you’re an asshole, that just means I have bad taste, is all. And if you still want to be around me even though I’m a lazy shut-in, that just means you have bad taste. So we’re perfect for each other.”

Chikage laughs again, feeling the weight on his shoulders disappear. Ignoring Itaru mumbling something about taking that last part back, he smiles—genuinely—for what feels like the first time in a decade. “Thank you, Chigasaki.”

Chikage knows why he’s here, honestly. It’s so painfully obvious that Chikage’s exasperated with himself.

He’s here because he knows that Itaru will indulge him, understanding what he needs to hear before he even asks for it. And yet, at the same time, he won’t spoil Chikage, giving him false hopes and empty promises. Itaru is not the type who would lie about something like this, so Chikage knows that he must be right about everyone else waiting for him. And that, really, is what Chikage needed to hear. He needed someone to tell him that it’s okay to want to see his family again, and that they won’t turn him away on sight.

And it really is so interesting that he’s come to Itaru for this and not Hisoka.

But that, too, is something that he knows the reason for, deep down.

“… Chigasaki.”

“Mm?”

“Can you tell me that, one more time.”

A small, breathy laugh puffs out next to his ear. Chikage knows that Itaru understands what he’s asking for, even though his question was so vague. Chikage closes his eyes, waiting for the words that he’s been waiting to hear—despite just having heard them not too long ago.

“Chikage-san,” Itaru starts, his voice bright despite the steady stream of tears soaking into Chikage’s shirt, “welcome home.”

Chikage inhales, breathing in the familiar scent of Itaru’s clothes. Somehow, it feels as if nothing’s changed in the last decade, even though everything has.

“I’m home.”

_Even if we’re far apart, and even if it’s been a decade since we last saw each other, if you’re still there to say that to me, then—_

**Author's Note:**

> So I've always wanted to write a fic about Chikage after he cuts ties with the Organization, but I'm... much too lazy to actually plan out how that would work, so I skipped that part and went ahead by a decade. I think, in the end, I was just in the mood to write angst into hurt/comfort. But also I don't really consider myself to be good at writing hurt/comfort, just angst (lol)
> 
> I know the writing style kind of changed after the first part, but my idea was that Chikage was just very... lost and not doing well, so I wrote it like that for the first part, because I thought it was better to describe his state of mind. Then, after that, because Chikage finally becomes "conscious" again, I changed the writing style to be more normal.
> 
> I couldn't find a place within the fic to put this, but both Chikage and Itaru have feelings for each other and they're both aware that they have feelings for each other. However, when they were still together in MANKAI, they had a silent agreement not to act on those feelings, so they've never been an actual couple. 
> 
> This is a (very late) submission for the prompt of "home" for chikaita week. It's based off the idea that, to Chikage, home has never been a "place," but rather a "person" or "people" that make him feel like he can relax and be himself. It's canon that the exchange of "I'm home" and "Welcome home" is something that Chikage values, and that's why I think it was so important for him to hear those words here, because he finally felt like he's been able to come "home."


End file.
